One moment I was with him. I was happy. We were happy. And that cake—the cake that blond boy made, the one with fingers like an angel—so shiny, pretty, tall. My head hurt. Everything was bright and children were screaming for mercy, begging to keep their head, crying out my name as their lives were taken again and again…but then it stopped.
He looked at me, whispered my name, told me he loved me and would never leave me again, that he wanted to be with me forever. Then he took my hand and the loudness went away. It was finally quiet and peaceful. I danced, twirled, laughed. Happy.
Back in the place that smelled of salt and fish, I used to dance. Before ithappened. He and I used to dance and twirl and laugh together, even after he was hurt. He left me back then, too, after that dance. I was too young for him to love me as I loved him. He was gone for so long. I saw him every day on the screen, but he never saw me. I always wondered if he thought of me when he was there, but never asked him. It was too painful.
He came back different, hard. He never laughed with me anymore. When he went to a party, he wouldn't dance. He loved to dance. He danced with me every day before he left. After it, he could barely smile.
Sometimes I would see him go to the harbor at night and steal onto his father's boat. I followed him there once to see what was hidden, and he cried and yelled at me to stop tormenting him. It took him so long to even look at me.
After the Tour, there was a party all the townspeople had to go to. He was the guest of honor there, so he had to smile. People would think he was wrong if he didn't smile. I watched him from the crowd, hoping he wouldn't see me wanting him. He smiled at a pretty girl, a smile that wasn't him, that was just a fake to make the people happy.
I stopped looking for a second, and he was gone. I thought he was with one of the pretty girls when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was him. He smiled at me, held out his hand, and offered me a cube of sugar. Sweet. Like the old him.
We danced that night and didn't stop until the darkness came. The black that changed everything.
Jack and Jill went up the hill—Jack and Jill—Jack and Jill went up the hill but Jack didn't come back.
Jack fell down and lost his head. Piercing screams filling the air. No struggle, just darkness.
Blurring forest. Screaming. Echoes of lives that could have been. Jack was gone and Jill was lost. Jill needed help.
Shaking earth. Jill needed—water. Not a pail but an ocean. Swarms of drops hitting Jill on the head like the red from Jack. Blue sky disappears under haze of water. Disappear.
Voices yelling in Jill's mind, hurting her. So cold. Want to go home. Want—want—clunk. Hard silver hit Jill's head. Jill won't lose her head like Jack, no. Open container. Paper?—fabric. Drawing of cube. Jill remembers happy things. Screams still there but quiet. Must swim to go home. Jill must go home and find a cube.
Must find—must get—cannon. Shakes everything. Huge shadow in sky. Ladder comes down. Man with bronze hair covering Jill with a blanket. Jill is at the bottom of the hill. Didn't lose her Cube. Found her Finn.
He stayed with me after the darkness, even when he didn't want to. My Finn. He told me he loved me, he told me he'd stay. Unkept promises. He always left on the train when the fish started to bite again. He promised he wouldn't leave, but he did, for such a long time. He would come back every time and tell me he loved me, he would stay, and then he would just leave again. He promised. Promises can't be broken. Not by him.
The evil man took him away from me, broke the promises. The one who smelled like Jack did when he tumbled down the hill. The white one, white like the crest of a wave. He doesn't remind me of home. He reminds me of the darkness, the cold. The place where my Cube wasn't. Where everything went wrong.
That man took me, too. He locked me in a musty place where it was so quiet and so loud. The screaming; it wouldn't stop. The poking hurts, but nothing like the ache of being away from him. Jill is floating away from shore on her boat but where is the anchor? It went away. A big, big day was coming for me. Large crafts came and took me away from the pain.
Bright white lights. I love you. Happy smiles. I love you. Running and twirling. I love you. My Finn. My sweet sugar cube. Here with me, forever.
The white dress made it real. White. Not as pure as it seems. Like the monster. How can white be so clear? Doesn't it hurt? Hurt like Jack got hurt? Like Jill hurt after her Finn truly left her? He disappeared and Jill was left alone with her own little pail of water to take care of. Not little for long.
Jill stayed at the Fire Girl's home as the pail grew and grew. Soon the water spilled out everywhere. There was pain, so much pain. It was happy pain. And then crying—so many happy tears. Small, strong squirming body with a lion's mane, like his father. Finn. My Little Finn. My precious boy with eyes like the ocean and a spirit like the sea. How often I weave him tales of when Jill found a hero. How often he asks where that hero is. How often I tell him that man sailed out to sea and won't come back.
How often I cry.
Time ceases to exist when I think of him. He is in everything I do. Every memory. Every touch. Every word. All engrained in my mind. Little Finn looks at me, and I see him. He is there every moment, my sweet sugar cube, the one who dreamt of a world where the darkness did not exist and children could laugh freely. How happy he would be if he saw this place now. Black bled into white and made bright, bright colors. Happy. Like the dream world.
Jill goes into a place where things are often quiet. Jill doesn't fall down the hill. Jill flies. Jill laughs, twirls, dances. She is happy there. She forgets she is lonely when she is in that world. Happy.
She dreams he is there a lot. Jill looks up in the blue sky and wishes her Cube could be there.
Bright flashes across grey clouds and loud cracks. Help! Splashes of water hitting Jill's head again. Help Jill! Need—need—Finnick? Must be dream. Finn can't be here, he'll disappear.
Run, Jill, run! Mother said don't talk to strangers. Big bad wolf will gobble Jill up. Tasty little girl.
Bronze haired man touching Jill's cheek. Telling Jill he loves her. Silly bronze man! Jill is broken, not mad. She hit her head when she fell down the hill and can't work. Her pail spilled and Mother is angry. Mother is so angry. Run, Jill! No, he says, stay. Annie, he says, I love you. Annie? Who is Annie? Annie should run so the Wolf doesn't catch her. Run, Annie! Evil man.
He tells me, Annie is Jill? Jill is Annie? Stupid man. Annie leaves when things are crazy. Crazy. Daisy! Pretty. Bring home a bundle for Mother so she isn't angry, Jill.
No, not Jill. Annie. Finnick's Annie. She is gone? No, he says, she's still here. Finnick loves Annie and won't leave her. Annie has to stay strong for Little Finn so he can be happy. Annie? Little Finn? Me!
I have to be strong for Little Finn. My baby boy with the golden skin and shining eyes. I tell Finnick how beautiful he is, and the image agrees. Little Finn looks like Big Finn. He says Little Finn has my spirit. I love Finnick. Finnick makes me happy. His lips find mine, whispers he loves me, and then poof! gone.
Waking up is harder than falling asleep. Closing your eyes and drifting away to your sea is easy. Letting the adventures dissipate hurts. Hurts like when Jill's boat lost her anchor. Leaving the happiness aches until beauty is shown to you. Beauty like my son. He is big now. He loves to dance and laugh. We used to do that, Finn and I. We used to dance before everything went wrong. Now we won't dance again.
Little Finn isn't so little anymore. He leaves, promises to come back. Finds his own Cube who makes him happy. White dress! Happy songs and dances. The wave cake reminds me of my happy dancing with my Finn. My sweet sugar cube. The man with eyes like the sea and a spirit to match, just like our baby boy.
New baby boy from my baby boy. Everyone is happy now. Smiles everywhere. The screaming gets quiet when my eyes shut. Peace. No noise, just calm like lapping waves on the shore.
A sudden jolt raises me. My eyes slide open to see white. White. Calmer than the monster's white. The white is everywhere! There is no place without white except the bronze part. Bronze? Finnick? My Finnick?
I haven't run like this since the darkness. Running for my life. This time the running is to get my life back. My Finnick. My sweet sugar cube. Here with me. Together. He won't leave again.
Promises.
He catches me when I jump. I know it's really him this time, not like in the nightmares. He's here with me, and everything's okay. He twirls me as our laughs entwine in the air. Static cracks between our lips as they collide again and again. Happy.
We dance.
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